Does the term “slow sex” sound familiar? Well, if you haven’t already, you will.
I’m going to go into detail about what slow sex is, why it’s important, and how it might be the one thing that saves your relationship, increases the pleasure you and your partner get from sexual activity, and makes the mundane stresses of daily life seem like a joke.
Why our sexual lives are suffering because of the biggest issue plaguing modern society
This era in which we find ourselves has been called “the information age.” We have more information at our disposal than ever before, and as a result, we are more likely to spend all of our time in our heads, resulting in a growing sense of disconnection from our physical and sexual selves.
The constant demands of our electronic devices can leave us feeling overwhelmed, anxious, and estranged from our inner selves and our intimate relationships.
More stress and disconnection from one’s identity increases the desire for temporary relief. We’re looking for quick fixes. It’s not just fast food that we want, but fast orgasms as well. Anything to take our minds off of how out of touch we are with our physical selves.
In the worst-case scenario, which is unfortunately realistic and common, partners engage in sexual activity only a few times per week for a total of two to ten minutes per session. Many of my clients report to me that their weekly time spent in sexual activity is less than half an hour.
Of course, I’m going to be a little bit partial because I work as a relationship and sex coach, but seriously, what is the point of living if not to enjoy the company of the people we love most and to make passionate love to them? Why else would we hurry through life, amassing possessions and social standing, if not to eventually settle down with the person we love? The solution to any problem is love. And a tasty and effective way to experience that love is through slow sex.
I believe that if given the option, the vast majority of people (male and female alike) would always opt for five hours of energizing, deeply connected, emotionally invigorating sexual play over thirty minutes of shallow, draining sexual activity once a week.
You can think of it this way: would you rather eat fast food three times a week and feel drained, grumpy, and tired afterwards, or sample gourmet, Michelin-starred chef prepared food for ten hours a week and feel miraculously recharged (like you could run a marathon) at the end of each extended meal? That’s what I was thinking, too. That’s why low-speed sexual encounters are so popular.
Key Advantages of Slowing Down
Although some of the advantages of slow sex may be obvious, I think it’s important to highlight the most significant gains from practicing slow sex on a regular (or even irregular) basis with your partner.
When you engage in slow sex, you get:
- Orgasms, Plural (higher total number of orgasms)
- Orgasms with greater intensity (for both of you)
- Increased intimacy with your partner
- Fights outside the bedroom are less frequent and simpler to resolve.
- Living with less anxiety on a regular basis
- Decreased Everyday Stress
- More sex (in total time and in total number of weekly sessions)
- Since the sex is so much more satisfying, your partner will be more likely to make the first move.
- Slower sex increases the possibility that you will be able to enjoy multiple ejaculatory orgasms without being hindered by your refractory period (aka the time it takes you to sexually recharge)
- Learn the finer points of your partner’s sexual triggers to take your climaxing to a whole new level.
Finally, we understand. Incredibly amazing things happen when you take it slow in the bedroom. But how exactly do you accomplish this? What does it look like when tires hit pavement (or when a naked person lays on a bed)?
And now, to give you the full, comprehensive rundown of what slow sex looks like in practical, actionable terms, we’ll dive deep into foreplay, during play, and after play. Make sure you take notes on what you learn.
Slow Sexuality: Foreplay
Foreplay is the foundation of slow sex because it establishes the tempo and mood for the entire session.
(As a side note, if you and your partner are both eagerly craving a quickie, by all means, indulge yourselves. (Yes, there is such a thing as a proper time and setting.)
In many relationships, the sexual tension and anticipation are created by the couple’s pre-sex rituals.
You could look your partner straight in the eye and say, “Get your sexy ass on the bed, now” while playing your sex playlist and placing condoms next to the bed. You could grab your partner’s butt while they brush their teeth, for example, to let them know you’re feeling particularly voracious.
Whatever it is you do to set the mood (not sure what you like when it comes to the bedroom? Check out these two pieces on pre-sex rituals, and give yourself some breathing room to take things slow.
Power down all electronic devices (cell phones, tablets, computers, televisions, etc.) so you can disconnect from your thoughts and return to your physical body. It could start with a gentle massage or a relaxing bath. Slow dancing to made-up music at the foot of your bed counts. Foreplay that helps you relax, focus on your partner, and be present in your body is invaluable.
Now, let’s get to the good stuff.
Tips on a Slower Approach to Foreplay
(Keep in mind that you should always heavily calibrate any sex advice you receive from someone who isn’t you or who doesn’t know your partner. Everyone on Earth has their own distinct sexuality. To have the most satisfying sexual experience with your partner, it’s important to have an open line of communication about each person’s individual preferences.
One of my favorite ideas that emerged from my years of studying Taoist sexual philosophy is the notion that women and men cultivate sexual energy in different ways. While women’s sexual energy is like a whirlpool in that it must be directed inward from the edges, men’s sexual energy is like a whirlpool in that it must be directed outward from the center. To oversimplify, a man’s libido originates in his genitalia and radiates outward, while a woman’s libido originates in her extremities and must be gradually directed toward her genitalia.
So, what does this actually entail, if anything? Kissing, cuddling, touching, necking, etc., followed by manual stimulation and oral sex is the standard protocol unless your partner is particularly unusual and expressly states otherwise.
Even though this is by no means an all-inclusive list, here are a few suggestions for ways to ease into your slow sex foreplay:
(Note that there is no intended sequence to the items on this list. There is no discernible order to the items on this list. You can do whatever you want; there are no rules. Her body, breath, words, and overall sexual responsiveness are the best indicators of what she needs next.
Put in some quality time touching and cuddling. Wrap your arms around her. Gently run your fingers through her hair. Do a long, sensual massage on her. In order to stimulate her senses, run your fingers slowly and deliberately in circular motions along her back, spine, and thighs. If you truly adore her delicious body, show her by making small grunts, moans, or other sounds of appreciation.
Make sure she likes it before you start): kissing her on the neck or shoulder. For a few minutes, lightly breathe on the nape of her back, behind her ear, and over the part of her shoulder where her bra strap would normally fall (some people love this, others find it too ticklish). Take it easy; that’s the best approach. Try to ease into it. First, just lightly graze their skin with your breath and lips. Use a firmer touch as time goes on, sucking lightly on her flesh and possibly incorporating teeth if she’s into that. Calibration, once more. Some women prefer it when you have no teeth at all, while others prefer it when you leave marks. It really is up to the person and what she likes.
Kiss her for a long time. To kiss her tenderly. Gently kiss her and take your time. Be sure to give her a passionate kiss on the lips, the neck, the arms, the ribs, the stomach, the legs, the inner thighs, and anywhere else you can think of. Take her face in your hands and kiss her gently. Kiss her passionately while clutching a handful of her hair (again, calibration – preferences around pain as a turn-on is unique – some love it, some hate it).
You should take your time getting ready to put your fingers between her legs so that you know for sure that she will be drenched when you make contact with her. Double the amount of time you spend teasing her or engaging in foreplay if you’re on the fence. When you put your hands on her, she should start to react by moving. She’ll start breathing differently. If you’ve never spent 30 minutes or more on foreplay before, it will be glaringly obvious that she wants you to move on to touching her between the legs.
Don’t rush over to her the second you realize she wants you to begin touching her genitalia. When in doubt, keep it simple. The pace of slow sex should be leisurely. Get a kick out of the suspenseful buildup. Massage her belly, hips, hip bones, and down both her inner and outer thighs. Proceed at your own pace. Keep the whirlpool image in mind. Take your time and get there. Don’t rush your fingers as they explore her dampness. In addition, proceed slowly and deliberately at first, even if they have. If you want to get to her clitoris, you’d better take your time navigating the whirlpool that is her vulva.
If you or she decides that you want to have sexual contact, you can start at the top of her head and work your way down. Make a line with your lips and kiss her from her neck to her nipples, then her rib cage, stomach, hips, legs, inner thighs, calves, the fold of skin where her thigh meets her groin, and finally the area where her pubic hair is (or would be, if she shaved or waxed). smother her in kisses. Several times over.
When you’re ready to lay your hands on her, find a position that’s cozy for both of you. You want to subconsciously tell her, “I am sitting down to my favorite meal in the world…” Please excuse my prolonged presence. Basically, all you have to do is kick back and chill out. Not only does craning your neck or getting into some other uncomfortable position that will cause you to cramp up send a message that you won’t be around for very long, but it also hurts your neck and body. Therefore, make yourself at home. Proceed at your own pace. And I trust you’ve been practicing your jaw and tongue exercises in order to stay underground for as long as you like.
Think about why you’re touching your partner during any sexual play or foreplay you might be doing. Feel free to experiment with this. Swap things up. Experiment. If your goal was to express tenderness to your partner, how would you touch them? What if it was lust, you ask? When it comes to craving, how do you feel? So, how about love? What changes would your intention make to the dynamic of your touch, be it with your hands, lips, tongue, or something else entirely?
This is, of course, not an exhaustive list. Perhaps your lover has a higher tolerance for a more forceful approach to foreplay (if so, read this and this). Perhaps there is some form of foreplay that hasn’t been mentioned above that really gets her going (foot massage, spanking, twenty minutes of you slowly sucking on her nipples, etc.). You should keep in mind that she is the professional in this field. Your slow sex session will get off to a great start if you enter with an open mind and ears.
The Slow Sex Method: Don’t Rush Your Intimacy
There’s nothing better than some slow, sensual foreplay to get your blood pumping and your heart racing.
Since it serves no one to divide sex into “all the stuff that isn’t penetration” and “penetration,” I wish the word “foreplay” didn’t exist. Foreplay is still sex, and all sex is sex. Using your hands and mouth as separate acts during and in between penetrative sex sessions is not forbidden. In fact, you should do it. All of you, always and with everyone else. That’s the most enjoyable approach.
Sex isn’t supposed to be clinical, tidy, well-planned, or sequential. There is no such thing as a “clean” sex. You can do whatever you want; there are no rules. It’s strewn about randomly. Feeling, connecting, playing, and enjoying are at the heart of sex. That’s why you have so much fun doing it. It’s the one time of day you can let your hair down and be completely unrestrained from the rest of your life (or the one time you can put on the shackles, you weirdo).
If you want the prudence to extend to your sex life, then…
- Slow down when first penetrating. Enjoy the present. Touch every part of your partner’s skin as you enter.
- Engage in direct eye contact. Or put on some blinders. Make lots of passionate kisses. Alternately, you can bite. You could try some sexyback. Walk me through what you’re doing to them, what they’re doing to you, and what you’d like to happen. There’s a reason you have a set of organs for sensing the world around you and communicating with others. Enjoy the senses of touch, taste, conversation, and play. It’s your night to stay up all by yourself.
- The key is to get them almost to the point of orgasmic climax and then to stop. You could do this once or multiple times to increase the intensity of their eventual orgasm, or you could do it for hours or the entire night (this is known as “orgasm denial,” and it’s a favorite among some members of the BDSM community).
- Make them reach their sexual apex by using your hands, mouth, and genitalia. Either you and your partner want to cum so many times that you lose count (which can still be built up to/slowed down with kissing, cuddling, and connection exercises), or your partner loves having one really big orgasm and calling it a night. Anything goes here.
- You may have used candles, dim lighting, and music to set the mood during foreplay; however, once you turn off the music and settle in for some slow sex, you’ll notice something interesting. Let your natural breathing and talking be the only sounds in the room. There should be no loud noises in the room so that you can focus on your partner and gauge their level of sexual arousal.
Relaxed Sexual Activity: The End Game
There are ways to savor the moment even if you’re so exhausted that you just want to collapse in a heap of oxytocin-filled awesomeness.
If you’re a couple consisting of a man and a woman, perhaps the man only had one orgasm while the woman had a dozen, leaving the man with enough energy to massage the woman as she nods in and out of sleep. Perhaps you’d feel better if you hugged each other tightly and pressed up against each other while you were still dripping with sweat. You could take a shower together to remove any traces of sweat, sperm, lube, massage oil, coconut oil, etc.
Be leisurely about whatever it is you choose to do as your sex session comes to a close. That’s the whole idea behind “slow sex.” Just take your time and enjoy it, instead of rushing through it like you do with everything else in your life. Enjoy the moment and take it slow. Feel every sigh, strand of hair, tender kiss, and orgasmic release. As you two grow closer, you can enjoy watching your partner melt into a state of bliss. Mmmm, life!
Remember…
When it comes to sexuality, there is no universal, deterministic, or even gradual progression. Begin to see sexual play in a new light, as something chaotic, cyclical, and unpredictable. During sexual play, any act can happen at any time. There is no “before,” “during,” or “after” sexual intimacy; rather, it is a series of fleeting moments in which each person treats their own and their partner’s bodies with reverence and respect.
Think of your partner’s enjoyment as a religious obligation and act accordingly. Lovemaking is a way of life that honors one’s god or goddess and recognizes that one’s body is a temple in which that deity can be worshiped through oral sex and other forms of lovemaking.
What should you do next?
Sending this article to your partner is the first and most important thing you can do. Immediately. I’ll wait…..
Once you and your partner have both read this and agree on what it says, the next step is to schedule a long, slow sex session.
Get whatever massage oils, toys, music, or lighting you might need for your slow sex session and make it happen.
You have to do something with this information. If you don’t, it will just be words on a page. I beg you, promise your partner that you will do this. You can make it a 3+ hour night if you want.
You will feel closer to your partner emotionally and sexually than you have in months or even years.